Monster
by booknerdhere
Summary: Remus Lupin, second year at Hogwarts, has a deep, dark secret. A secret he can never tell his friends; a secret a kept well... or so he thought.


**Again, something I wrote a long time ago. A very, VERY long (at least for me) oneshot! Please read and review!**

Something was shaking him, and none too softly either.

"Remus? Remus… Remus, get up!"

Remus groaned softly, turning over and pulling the blankets over his head. _Go away…._

"Remus, come on, what's wrong with you?" _Shake, shake, shake._

Sitting up slowly, Remus came face to face with none other than James Potter. The sun was streaming through the open window and illuminating his face: hazel eyes, messy black hair, tan skin. His tie was untied, as usual, and the his white shirt was not fully buttoned. His glasses (which made him look like a complete nerd, although no one dared to tell him so), sad lopsidedly on his nose.

"C'mon Rem!" The second year exclaimed, "It's nearly time for class! I'm sorry, but I can't let you sleep any longer."

Upon hearing this, Remus swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood. His bare feet protested at the cold floor. One step later, the world began to spin around him and the floor came rushing at him headlong. Two strong arms caught him mid-fall, and Remus was pushed back on the bed by James.

"Woah, mate… Maybe I should tell Professor McGonagall that you aren't feeling well today."

"No, James, I'm fine-"

"No, you aren't. You stay here and go back to sleep. I'll bring you something for lunch." And with that he swept out of the room, robes billowing behind him.

It took a full ten minutes for Remus' brain to clear up. It was… December 4th. _Oh. _December 4th, at least this year, meant the full moon. Remus lay back down and reached blindly for the covers. _The pain's worse than usual… _Another groan escaped his lips. If only he could talk to someone about it… _Get it all off my chest. _The day he was bit. _November 11th. _The people he'd killed. _Susan Smith. Rupert Galawan. _Or worse, the people he'd simply bitten. _Tanya Cadence… The poor old woman… _He desperately wanted someone to share the load with. _Sirius, James, Peter… _But no. He couldn't ever tell them. _Never, ever. _They wouldn't ever speak to him again. _And how could I blame them? _Still it would hurt to much to lose his only friends. _It would hurt even more than the constant lies…_

And he slept.

* * *

><p>The next time Remus woke, his stomach was cramping horribly on top of the splitting headache. He did not even bother to open his eyes or try to move until a delicious smell wafted to his nose. He cracked one eye open to see that a small table had been placed next to him bed. On the table sat a cup of soup (still emitting steam), a hunk of bread, and a tall glass of water. <em>Ugh.<em>

Maybe the smell was nice, but the mere sight of food make his insides swirl. He quickly shut his eyes again and in moments was fast asleep.

* * *

><p>James Potter hated when Remus was sick… which happened at least every few weeks. The poor kid was already stick thin, and when he got sick he ate absolutely nothing. His skin would become pale and hot to the touch. He's complain that he had a stomach ache or a headache. Occasionally he'd throw up. It was horrible.<p>

Today was one of those days. James sat in Defense Against the Dark Arts, glancing over at the empty seat next to him. The seat that was usually occupied by Remus. He was only half paying attention to Professor Slughorn as he droned on about dangerous creatures, until he said something that got hit attention.

"Around the day of the full moon, the werewolf, in human form, suffers from severe nausea. He loses his appetite and is often found comatose until the time comes to change. Werewolves are very dangerous creatures-" James was no longer listening. He pulled out his quill and a piece of parchment paper quickly scribbling down a message.

_Meet me in the library at lunch. Pass this on to Peter. -JP_

He handed the note to Sirius, who sat behind him, then turned back to face Professor Slughorn, satisfied that he hadn't been caught,

* * *

><p>Madame Pince seemed none too happy when James Potter and Sirius Black, accompanied by the ever loyal and obedient Peter Pettigrew, sauntered into the library. The troublemakers quickly went to a shelf - the shelf that held the books on Beasts and Creatures. This could not be a good sign. Potter and Black rarely ever came into the library, unless they were there to talk to Remus Lupin, spy on Lily Evans, or check out a prank book. They were almost always up to no good.<p>

Yet, to Madame Pince's absolute shock, the three boys all sat down at a table, a stack of books piled high between them. Not a peep came from their mouths.

* * *

><p>James really hated books. He had a firm belief that they were an idiotic waste of time meant only for complete nerds. Today, though, he had no choice but to appreciate them. Something was up with Remus… <em>And I think I know what the problem is. <em>The downfall was, the possible solution was utterly terrifying.

"Sirius, Peter, listen to this," He finally spoke up after scanning a few books ,"A human body is merely a host of the werewolf. Often these creatures seem docile and kind in their human form, but inside they are dangerous and unpredictable. At any time the host may choose to embrace it's other side and…" James trailed off for a moment, "... and, virtually, become a permanent werewolf." Another long silence ensued, as the trio pondered the meaning of the passage. "Did, um… did you guys find anything?"

Sirius nodded, his shaggy black hair flopping rigorously. "Yeah, mate. My book says that the host will often feel and appear sick around the time of the full moon."

"That's what Professor Sluggie was saying…" He turned to look at the smaller boy with blond hair, watery eyes and large ears. "Peter?"

The chubby boy's squeaky voice spoke up in the peaceful quiet of the library. "This book just says that werewolves can't be trusted and will kill if provoked or even if not provoked." He said it with such fearful innocence that the statement almost seemed like a poem.

"Oi, mate!" Sirius yapped, earning him a _shh _from Madame Pince, "That's not making me feel any better!... or safer…" The last two words were spoken in a much softer tone than the others.

Once more, there was an uncomfortable silence between the boys. Finally, James spoke up. "Well… we've checked the dates and done the research. Now we just need the definite proof."

Peter looked up from his book, "James, you're not suggesting…"

"I am. We're going to follow him."

* * *

><p>James, Sirius and Peter watched from under the invisibility cloak as Remys stumbled from the second-year dormitory and out of the Gryffindor common room. His face was pale, and he looked to be in pain… just as the books had said. They follows him, surprised when he led them to the hospital wing. <em>Maybe I was wrong…<em> James thought as Remus disappeared through the door. He soon returned, though, Madam Pomfrey at his side. The old woman had a gentle arm around the boy's shoulder.

They followed the pair down the halls, the stairs, out the towering double doors, and across the school grounds. The whole time, James shook in his red converse. He would never admit it, but he was scared. He was no longer sure what he thought of Remus Lupin. If his hunch turned out to be true, their fellow second year had lied to them for a full year and a half. "My mother is sick" and "My aunt died" and "My grandmother is visiting from Russia". And if his hunch was true…. ir meant that Remus was a werewolf. That he was dangerous, even life-threatening. What if he'd embraced the werewolf and was putting on a facade? Part of James' brain knew the last though was irrational, but it didn't seem to matter at the moment.

Remus led them to the Whomping Willow. Madame Pomfrey picked up a long stick and, just like that, the seemingly ancient tree stopped its thrashing. Remus glanced around and James froze, even though he knew they wouldn't be seen under the Invisibility Cloak. The skinny, slightly bent figure spoke a few words to the old woman before disappearing down a dark hole. The three curious but nervous boys followed right behind. James stole one last look at the darkening, moon-lit sky and the retreating form of Madame Pomfrey before plunging down the tunnel. Sirius' breath was heavy, and Peter was clutching James' sleeve. _So they're scared too._

The tunnel seemed to wind on forever, at least half a mile, and probably more. Suddenly the tunnel opened up when Remus (who was now panting heavily) pushed aside a shredded curtain. The curtain opened to reveal a large room. The windows were boarded up, though the interior did not seem to be very old, not counting the desolated furniture. An open doorway could be seen from where James stood under the cloak. _This is a house… _

What could be seen of the house was not in very nice condition. The wallpaper, though not very attractive in the first place, was torn. It appeared that a large animal had raked it's claws down the wall. There were gouges in the wood floors too, and chunks seemed to have been bitten out of the mutilated furniture. A dull light streamed through tiny cracks in the boards which were nailed over the windows. The light settled on the the dark splotches that were spattered across the floor.

Peter turned to James, mouthing exactly what James had been thinking. _Is that… blood?_

James, not sure of what to say, merely shrugged. He turned back to the dusty room to see Remus fumbling with his shirt buttons. _What the heck is he doing? _Suddenly the sickly boy emitted an almost inhuman scream. He fell to his knees, an expression of pure agony on his face. His hands hit the floor as his body jerked and began to change. _I was right. Oh gosh, I was right. _

Fur split the skin between Remus' fingers and toes. His spine seemed to curve upward as another agonized shriek escaped his lips. His hair turned the same silvery-gray as his fur, with hints of brown left over. Another scream, more animal like this time. The second year's nose elongated and ears appeared from the hair on his head. His clothes stretched and tore until they completely fell from his body. A tail appeared at his backside. A howl rang in the night.

The beast was large, it's claws and teeth terrifyingly long, much longer than the average canine and glinting in the moonlight. It's head swung to and fro, it's muzzle lifting higher to sniff the air. It's eyes fell on the location of the boys, as if it could see them through the tears in the curtain and even through the shimmery invisibility cloak.

_Oh… Oh gosh… the eyes… _They were the only part of the wolf that were recognizable, the same deep green as Remus'. James watched as the last human light fought for power, begged to be let out, and then faded. The animal had taken over.

"Run," James whispered, "Just run." He took off down the low tunnel, Sirius and Peter struggling to keep up with him and stay hidden under the cloak. As a howl drifted to his ears, James could only pray that the beast, the _monster_, wasn't following.

* * *

><p><em>It's cold.<em>

That was the first thought that came to Remus' head when he awoke the next morning. He lay on the hard floor before opening his eyes and sitting up. He became conscious of the fact that A) he wasn't wearing anything, and B) everything hurt. Really, _really_, hurt. He struggled into a sitting position, every square inch of his body protesting in earnest. One hand reached for the wall, and he used it for support as he stood. The world spun, just like it had the morning before.

_I will not pass out. I will not pass out. _With this mantra on repeat in his brain, Remus dared to take a single step forward… then another… "OW!" Pain shot up his ankle, and he stumbled, clutching at the wall to stay upright. This plan failed, and he came to the floor with a crash. Again, he lay there for a long while, pain trying to consume him and take him away from the conscious world. He wanted to succumb to the pull, but the chant still played. _I will not pass out. I will not pass out. _Thus he settled for curling up into a near-fetal position, shivering violently.

"Remus?" A light, female voice wafted on the air, jerking him from his stupor. "Remus, dear, are you awake?" Remus knew that voice like the back of his hand. It was Madame Pomfrey, Hogwarts' residential nurse.

He opened his mouth to say something, only to find his throat extremely dry. Instead, he coughed a few times. A deep breath. "Yes." It came out as more of a croak, but it was distinguishable enough "Do you have a blanket?"

"No, but I will have one in moment if you'll just wait. Accio blanket!" There was a long pause. Then a blanket floated through the entrance to the tunnel. Remus reached up with a cramped arm and grabbed it, clumsily unfolding it. He sat up, wincing, and pulled it around him.

"Th-Thank you." His teeth still chattered. "You can come in now."

Madame Pomfrey's apron-and-bonnet-clad form appeared through the torn curtain.

"Oh, Remus!" Her silver curls bobbed up and down as she rushed to his side, kneeling beside him. She looked him over, feeling his forehead and gently prodding a few scratches. "My poor boy… Can you walk?"

He debated this for a moment. "Maybe if you help me." She helped him to his feet and together, with the elder coaxing the younger as they went, made their way back to the castle in the cool morning air.

* * *

><p>Nerves fluttered in James' stomach. He hadn't slept a wink in two days. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw the werewolf. He couldn't look at Remus. James, Sirius and Peter hadn't visited him at all yesterday. James had seen the confusion in their friend's - <em>No, former friend's - <em>eyes when they had ventured into the hospital wing today.

It was now evening, and dinner had just come to an end. "Remus should be out of the hospital word by now." He stated. Sirius and Peter simply nodded. "I guess it's time then, huh?" Nodding heads. James nodded too, and they made the hike up to Gryffindor tower. In front of the door to the second-year dorm, James dug the necessary supplies out of his bag. A book on werewolves, his wand, and a silver knife. The knife he handed to Peter. He figured the mousy boy would never actually use it, but it was more for scare. If he had to, James would use it himself.

He swung his bag over his shoulder, before taking a deep breath. They were ready.

* * *

><p><em>Creak.<em>

Remus looked up from his homework (he had a lot to catch up on) to see his three best friends walk into room. They all looked uneasy, just as they had when they'd visited him this morning. Remus had been bummed when they'd not visited yesterday, though he figured it was simply because Madame Pomfrey wouldn't let them, or maybe they were too busy. They'd come in today, asking where he'd been and what had happened. He'd used the usual "my mother is sick" and that "our dog attacked me". They'd seemed doubtful, even more so than usual.

Now, Peter was quite pale. Sirius' lips were set in a thin line. James looked nervous, but determined. "Remus." His cool voice split the air as the closed the door behind him.

"Hey James." He said softly, shifting his sprained ankle to a more comfortable position on a pillow.

"Remus, we need to talk?"

_Gulp_, "We do?"

"Yes, we do."

"Okay, talk."

Remus watched as James set the book he had in his hand on the bed. "Do you know what this is?" On the cover of a book was a werewolf, silhouetted by the full moon. In a single moment, Remus felt that the world was crashing down around him. His friends had figured it out. They knew about his secret.

"It's a werewolf."

"Exactly. Do you have anything to tell us about werewolves?"

"No." Remus replied, but even he knew that it had come from his mouth much too quickly.

"Stop lying, Lupin." Sirius snapped. Remus shuddered. His friends never used his last names. Only the Slytherins used his last name. "The time for lies is done. Just admit it."

"A-Admit what?" At this point he noticed that Peter, quiet, submissive Peter, was holding a wicked-looking knife. He had no doubt that it was made of silver.

"That you're a werewolf."

"A- A werewolf? Of course I'm n-not a werewolf! How could you say that, I'm not-"

James' voice cut him off. It was no longer cool, but harsh. "_Stop _lying! We know what you are, now admit it!"

Remus felt sick, like he was going to throw up. _No, no. Please stop, please. Don't make me say it…_ "I'm not a werewolf, James!"

Sirius grabbed the knife from Peter's hand and pointed it at the half-breed, who scooted backwards until his back hit the wall. Sirius climbed onto the bed, holding the tip close to his chest. "_SAY IT LUPIN!" _He shouted.

As Sirius' spat out the words, Remus felt each one as if they were the lashes of a whip. The silver, at this close of a range, made him nauseous, and stung his chest. He knew he couldn't hide it any longer. "I… I'm a werewolf."

James wasn't sure how to react when Sirius lunged at Remus with the knife. He was shocked at the blatant act of violence, but he couldn't bring himself to stop it. He wanted Remus to admit what he was, to stop lying. Something at the back of his mind was shouting at him, yelling that this was cruel, that he should stop, but he pushed it away…

Remus' face had become paler than usual, nearly as pale as the sheets beneath his Gryffindor-burgundy comforter. His was shaking from head to toe, staring at the knife in fear. James had to feel a little bad, seeing as they were yelling in the guy's face when he was already hurt and obviously tired as there were dark circles under his eyes.

"I… I'm a werewolf."

James waited. He waited for a feeling of triumph, a feeling of satisfaction, a feeling of success. The figure before them had finally admitted that he was dangerous, that he'd lied to them since he'd met them. James though this statement, once said aloud, would please him… but it didn't. In fact, a feeling of dread filled his heart. And then Remus did something that shocked him more than any event of the past three days. He cried. First one tear escaped, then another. Then a few more, along with a sniff. And then the pale boy was full-on sobbing. He collapsed into his pillow, sobs wracking his body. His shoulders shook and the loud crying noises filled the dorm.

_… Monster's don't cry... Do they?_

Sirius hesitated, pulling the knife back and looking at James.

_No, monsters definitely don't cry._

Peter stared in surprise. Words started to spill from Remus' mouth, muffled by the pillow. " 'm sorry, 'm sorry. 'm so, so sorry. I should 'ave told the truth fr'm the b'ginning… 'm sorry. Please Sir'us, do it fast. I know 'm terrible, that 'm a m'nster… 'm sorry." At this, Sirius looked appalled, which was exactly how James felt. Remus thought they were going to hurt him, even kill him. _He thinks we're going to kill him. _Disgust crashed down on James, not with Remus but with himself. _What have we done… What have __**I **__done? _

All of a sudden, he was no better than Lucius Malfoy. He'd persecuted someone for being different. Worse, he'd persecuted his own friend! He'd persecuted Remus when he hadn't even done anything to hurt him, let alone anything against him! He should be helping him… not threatening him! _What the bloody heck am I doing!?_ James stumbled over to Remus' side. "Remus… please…" _How long has he suffered through this? Little, innocent, shy Remus _"Remus, I'm sorry." _Little Remus who was scared to even say hello of the Hogwarts' Express. _Memories of the full moon flooded his mind. He saw Remus before him, screaming in agony. "Remus, I'm so, so sorry." _Little Remus, who everyone picks on for being a half-blood, for being smart. _He saw the wolf, with the eyes of his friend. Those eyes that begged for release, for mercy. "Remus!" He was shaking the crying boy, now.

Remus sat up, shying away from James' touch. "Wh-why are you apologizing?"

"Because! Because I'm a horrible person! I… I made you cry! I let Sirius threaten you with a knife!" _I betrayed you. I betrayed my friend._

"It's me who should be sorry…" Remus muttered, tears still streaming down his porcelain cheeks. "I lied to you. I put you in danger. I… I'm a _monster_."

"_NO!_" James shouted. He instantly regretted this when Remus jumped, "No. You aren't a monster. If anyone is a monster, it's me."

"Us." Sirius spoke up. Peter looked up before nodding in agreement. "We're all monsters, more than you are. We've been cruel. Crueler than Bellatrix, than Lucius even. You are _definitely_ not a monster."

"They're right." James nodded "Please forgive me. Forgive all three of us." A single tear escaped his own eye. "Please." His voice broke.

Remus studied them all with wide, green eyes and an open mouth. "You… you don't hate me? For lying. for being… for being a w-werewolf?" His voice was soft, like a child's.

"No. Of course not, of course we don't… How could I ever hate you." _How could I ever hate a poor creature such as you?_ He leaned forward, enveloping the slight figure in a hug. Remus started sobbing again, but this time James understood that it was from relief, and maybe even a bit of happiness. _Of joy. _Sirius dropped the knife and joined in, and then Peter was there too. They all hugged the crying, pale, sickly, second year. _Never. I'll never be mean to you again… I promise, Remus. _

_**I promise.**_


End file.
